Sleep training. Again.
Ugh I hate this part of being a new mom. Making decisions. It's so hard. I'm more of a let my son intuitivley decide what's best for him and if I'm tapped in enough I'll be guided on how to parent him in the ways he needs guidance. Bullshit. It's not working so far and I fear that I'm raising a self-entitled 15-month old son and lord know we do not need any more dickheads in the world. I.e.) Trump. Ewe that felt gross to type out.
So. Here I am again. Feeling extremely powerless in terms of doing the right thing for my marriage and hopefully for my son’s brain development. Fuck. All that aside- why do I feel so neglectful letting my son cry it out? We've been down this road before. And Iike all things motherhood it doesn't get any easier building structure, disciplining, and creating strong boundaries and. ewe- rules. Ha! This part of being a parent frankly sucks. It sucks because it doesn't feel natural to me to hear my baby protest, wail, cry and scream to get us to pick him up and have him snuggled in the middle of my husband and I in our bed. But co-sleeping is running its course and I'm exaughsted and my marriage is suffering due to this child being in our bed separating my husband and I from any physical touch.
It's tough. Just like my birth experience and the disappointing outcome of how I didn't get the orgasmic birth that I planned and visualized in my head, this whole letting my son gallivant about his day with no schedule is turning out to not be sustainable. For him, for me and for our family. I guess I just didn't want to follow the norm and I wanted to do this raising my son thing differently. I wanted to really trust and use my and his intuition to help guide us in all the ways that are meant to be. The problem is the need for structure is starring us both hard in the face.
Many issues we're experiencing will ideally be elevated should this sleep training work again as it has in the past. I just have a hard time doing something that may result in failure. Ha! Ain't that the truth! Like the challenge of sleep training the first time was brutal. The outcome was magical. We had our evenings back and they were ours. We had our bed back and that was powerful for our marriage. But then he got sick and it all washed away. And I wasn't strong enough to attempt sleep training again.
One more emotional and hurt heart issue I face with the whole Cosleeping vs. sleep training is completely and utterly selfish. I feel robbed and guilty for not having the birth experience I expected so badly. I also didn't have the immediate love and bond for my son in the early days. It took a lot of tears, fear, and professional help to go forward with owning my process and trusting that one-day loving and caring for my son would feel easy. My first 6 months were rough and scary. I was anxious and I didn't trust my abilities to be a natural mother. He was tiny and a fragile little newborn.
All that being said I finally felt a sense of pride and enjoyment the minute I decided to take an additional year off to care for my son. He's 15 months and he's my sidekick, my helper, my errand runner assistant, my best friend, my calm Buddha and overall a lot of fun! I am finally in a place where I feel like a natural mother and my bond with my son is stronger than ever. Also he's growing so fast and every morning he wakes up he's grown more and more. So I feel this guilt from the difficult beginning that I had with post Partum depression and I feel a need to make up for lost time from the beginning and for the future how lightening speed fast he's growing. Ugh. It's so hard. This mothering thing.
What I find even harder these days is feeling inadequate at times with not having a noteworthy career, making money and having people's opinions for how I'm raising my son.
I'm lucky AS FUCK to have amazing girlfriends surrounding me. Some are mothers and some are not. But they are all supportive of me and my process as a new mom. Thank Christ for them. They seem to ex out all the other know it all pricks out there that share so much unsolicited advice to me.
Society, people, family, friends all seem to know what you should be doing and how your parenting is lacking and how you're falling short here there and some days feels like everywhere. But one thing remains the truth. If you don't take yourself seriously as a mother, how can you expect the world to take you seriously. I learned that at a recent Mother Circle I attended.
Being a mother is all consuming and so many changing transitions and phases that our body, our mind, our emotions and our spirit endure. That being said the post birth experience needs the utmost patience, care and room to regain a sense of never ending healing.
The birth experience is traumatic. I need time to breath. Some days more than other days. The daily responsibilities and never ending decision-making is not quantifiable. The amount of emotions that our child expresses is exaughsting. Having to use our mother brains and make quick decisions if we are going to react or not react is guilt inducing. The strain raising a child for the first time has on our marriages is the biggest challenge yet. The times I want to scream in public that I'm doing the best I can and wanting applause in response from society is ridiculous.
But then my son calls out "mem mem" (thats momma) and reaches out for me and gives me endless hugs and knows how much I love him and I know and feel in my whole being how much I love him- That's everything.
I'm in the process of shutting out the noise; allowing opinions not to define my process and surrounding myself with supportive women that get it and most of all get me. I'm in the process of unlocking the deep seeded center of unworthiness and building a worthy center that holds my self-respect and my self-love.
Because when I start believing in myself as a capable and worthy woman, as a good mother and most of all as enough- that's when the shift will take place where dumbass opinions and comments won't hold any weight. And I can move forward with myself and my family as good enough.
Remember to say it with me. I am enough. I am doing enough. I am worthy.